It is what it is, Fate is a terrible thing

Life is too short to fall for people who don’t love you loudly, or for relationships that don’t set fire to your soul.

Our time on this earth is impermanent, and in the short years we must love fearlessly.

The person you’re meant to be with will challenge you, will push you, will make you crazy and happy and confused, and show you what real, complicated love is.

The person you’re meant to be with will terrify you because they make you feel something.
So this is what you need to know about love—you must always chase the person who scares you. Don’t settle for comfort because it’s familiar. Don’t be content with what you know because there’s a world out there waiting for you. And life’s too short not to pursue that.

Fall for the person who terrifies you because they have new ways of looking at the world, because they are different, because there is some unexplainable connection that is pulling you back to him or her, no matter how much you try to deny it.

Fall for the person who terrifies you because you feel something when you look into his or her eyes. and because scary is a change, a challenge, and both of those things will help you grow.
Fall for the person who terrifies you because what the hell else is our purpose on this earth than to love and love foolishly, fearlessly, fully?

Life is too short to hold yourself back from feeling something deeply. Life’s too short to deny your heart the pleasure of falling into someone, and giving them your soul. Life’s too short to pretend that you’ll find love where it’s comfortable and easy, because in all reality, love will never be easy. And that’s the most beautiful part.

Life’s too short not to pursue people that scare you, because those people are the ones who will change your life. And we’re all searching for that love that will alter our entire lives.

It’s waiting for you, go get it.

Risk i'm willing to take.

i love you.
the color of your eyes was never my favorite until i met you. now no one else’s can compare.
i love you.
not just on your good days. i love you when you’re feeling your lowest and you’re tired and all you want to do is cry.
i love you.
even when you aren’t smiling. your frown and your pout make me just as happy as those pretty teeth of yours.
i love you.
even when i’m hurting. even when i feel broken, you can always manage to get a smile out of me.
i love you.
i still get butterflies every time you look at me. every time you tell me you love me, my heart flips and i feel a little stronger.
i love you.
because loving you has never felt like a job. it comes naturally. i didn’t try to love you, it just happened.
i love you.
you make me a better version of myself. i try harder because i want to make you happy and make you happy to be with me.
i love you.
nothing can compare to the feel of your skin against mine. and when you kiss me, everything else disappears.
i love you.
i didn’t think i would love you this much. i didn’t think i could love someone this much. you picked up my broken pieces without even knowing and fixed the cracks.
i love you.
because no matter how many miles may be between us, i will never stop trying to get home to you.

Things that keep me up at night,

i.) how many times can you fall for the wrong person before you give up on finding the right one?
ii.) my mother and father are only together because of their children. if love is founded on consideration for others, i want to be selfish. i want to love because i do, not because i have to. does that make me a bad person?
iii.) the last time we talked, i told you to never call me again. you cried and then you told me i had used you. it hurt me to think that it was only my fault as if you had never been the one to ruin me.
iv.) my friend is in love with someone who abuses him. he doesn’t see it but i do. i know the abuser and they are not a bad person.
v.) physical scars heal faster than emotional ones. a cut on my leg is jagged and bloody, a crevice stitched into my skin. imagine if i could examine my heart.
vi.) what if i never should have left her?
vii.) i haven’t been with anyone since the breakup. i don’t know if it’s because i don’t want to or if it’s because i can’t. it’s hard to tell what you’re feeling when you’ve made yourself numb.
viii.) it scares me to think about loving again.

Something that took me way too long to learn

There comes a time when you have to just pick yourself up and get the fuck over it. people let you down. people hurt you. there’s no use in pinning for someone who doesn’t sacrifice themselves just to see you thrive. theres no use in doing things that make you unhappy, in being someone that makes you unhappy. learn how to be happy. make yourself thrive. realize that there is still good people in the world, there is still light. learn and understand that the sun will still shine regardless of how you feel inside.

Its not you, its my own expectations hurting me.

They ask how you are… But what the hell are you supposed to tell them?

That you’re exhausted. Worn down and numb by this foggy grey cloud in your head that just won’t go away.

That you’ve lost yourself. You’re looking in the mirror and touching the glass, touching your face, trying to work out if that really is you, staring back.

That if people can be broken, you have shattered every bone by now and dropped every organ so that it smashed like glass.

That you can force your mouth into a smile, but your eyes are blind. They are dull, empty.

Or do you tell them that sadness is all you have right now. And perhaps it will be okay tomorrow, but perhaps it won’t. You’ve been here before, you’ll be here again. This cycle is the life you have become used to. You’re sure you’ll be fine.
You’re just a sad and broken person.

That’s how you are. But you can’t exactly tell people that, can you?

Is this the way to live? ☺ is it??

You see the thing about anxiety is that it completely shields your eyes from the things that are everything to you. It convinces you that something is wrong and that people who mean the world to you don’t care about you anymore when even though 3 days ago you guys couldn’t have been better. It tricks you’re brain into having a warped view on your life and allows toxic fumes to ruin the picture. It makes you feel like everything you do and everything you are is fucking wrong. It allows you to think that you’re fucking up your relationship and whispers that poisonous thought “one day, this is all going to mess up because of YOU”. You may know all of this is a LIE, but still, there’s that glimmer of venerability inside of you that starts to wonder if this is actually true. Anxiety isn’t just ‘sleeping it off’ anymore because you feel the same way in the morning; and you know what? It’s fucking shit. Fuck this. You need to know you are the strong one here, do you hear me? YOU are doing it right, people, your girlfriend still loves you- MORE THAN YOU THINK. They love you. It pains them to see you like this. YOU are becoming stronger everyday but you can’t see that because of the poison in your veins. The brain is very very clever. It can turn your happiness into ash on the floor. Your anxiety is a bully. It needs to die. It needs to die so you can start to become alive again. 
The fact you have survived today, shows you are already killing it.”

You are the one still... and will be ❤

i still remember, i still remember the first day we met...i remember everything, your hair flowing like a waves down your shoulders which adorned your glowing bright black long lashes eyes. I still remember your soft pink lips and that smile would just sigh the world contentment. You were no less beautiful in every way like u are....

Lets end this here maybe 🙄... but Im okay though 😊😊

Afterall, I will never forget 😊
You are someone else’s to write about now. Not that you were ever mine, or that you’ll ever belong to anyone, you are anything but a cliche. Nevertheless, I hope he does your essence justice. I have nothing left to compare you to, these next few sentences will be my last. There was nothing like that warmth that lit up my insides, so easily elicited by the sound of your voice. There was nothing like the incessant ache for someone so unobtainable, in all respects. For my own sake, I hope I never experience that particular ache again. There is nothing more satisfying than finally finishing a piece of writing and feeling truly and wholeheartedly done, like reading the last haunting lines your favorite book.

Though, like all of my favorites, it is inevitable that I will come back to you, even in a memory, even in a dream. I will look back as I flip through our pages and feel that comfort you once provided me from one thousand miles away, even if it is for just as long as it takes my fingers to reach the bind. I’ve said it one too many times and I’ll say it once more: you were the first day of spring after an eternal winter.

I dont intend to post this.. lol!!

I hope I'm not the only one

Who goes to their favorite place where so many good memories were made and it’s sunny out, the sun is setting, and you’re in such a happy, contented mood after finally being able to come to terms with the past

and then you see something that reminds you.

That’s all it takes to break your heart again.

Is it my fault??

maybe if i close eyes I won’t see anymore
maybe if i close my heart I won’t feel anymore

but neither of it works

i closed my eyes and i saw you
clearly as if you never left
they say “never lose that light from you eyes”
that’s why i kept your vision inside my eyes because you were my light
or maybe you were just the shadow making them dark and i should push you away
but i was afraid to do one
i closed my eyes and there you were

i tried to close my heart
but oh god how could i never realize it was broken
how can i close something that’s down in pieces bleeding 
or even worse i found my soul like that too
and my veins
my mind
i lost my mind when you shut down the door so hard when you left

maybe if i close eyes I won’t see anymore
maybe if i close my heart I won’t feel anymore

but neither of it worked
nothing ever works in this pain....

and the wrost part...

“I miss knowing you were always there. I miss the security. I miss the stupid fights that either made us shut up until next time or somehow made us stronger. I miss holding your hand. I miss you holding back. I miss you not holding back. I miss your scruff and always being amazed that I walked away without severe beard-burn. I miss those nights when we didn’t want to stop being with each other. I miss getting so pissed at something you would say or do and trying to deal with it on my own until you made me fess up. I miss surprising you. I miss being surprised by the glimpses of your humanity every now and then. I miss the look you’d get when i’d touch your cheek. I miss how you thought you were so stealth with your mood changes when you really can’t hide them from me. I miss how i always knew where I stood. I think I miss your hugs the most. didn’t need them often, but now when I do, it sucks to know you’re not around to give them.”

Im afraid, I miss you

“I miss you,

And not in a “it’s one in the morning, I’m so lonely, looking through old pictures” kind of way.

I miss you,

In a “my friends are all laughing, and so am I, but somehow you still haven’t left my mind” kind of way.

I miss you,

And not in a “someone asked me how you were today and I realized I didn’t know the answer” kind of way.

I miss you,

In a “nobody has brought you up in months, but I still tell stories about you” kind of way.

I miss you,

And not in a “it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m alone” kind of way.

I miss you,

In a “you did well on a test and I want to be the first person you tell” kind of way.

I miss you. I don’t just miss the idea of you. I miss you.”

Advice i needed, but never had. 😏

“No one’s been honest with you and that’s why you’re scared.

You won’t let her all the way go. you’re leaving the door cracked for her to come back in. You won’t shut her all the way out for the fear of there still being a small chance. 
You don’t want to ruin that small chance.

And this is because all you’ve ever been told is “she’ll come back” or “she’ll realize what she had” or “give it time”

Poor boy, no one has been honest with you but here I am and that’s what I’m going to do.

Delete her number. You’re not using it. You shouldn’t be, anyway. Don’t talk to her because there’s nothing to be severed from empty conversation and you’ll look foolish when she doesn’t reply.

Delete her pictures. From your phone, anyway. You don’t need them. You just get sad when you look at them, and it’s okay. But you can choose happiness. So print them out and put them in a box in your closet and delete them. Choose happiness.

Don’t think about her. Don’t cry about her. When you see something that breaks your heart, curse her name and take a breath and carry on. Do you honestly think she ever spends more than a minute with your name on her mind? Now why should you be so upset over him?

Don’t wait. Kiss that other damn girl that wants to kiss you. Don’t leave that door cracked. Slam it. If she wants you she’ll work to get it back open. If she doesn’t want you enough in the end to try, lock it.

Don’t expect the best, either. There are chances he thinks about you and will miss you. But there are also chances she doesn’t miss you and never will. Chances are she’s simply out of love, or moved on. Chances are it’s over. 
Don’t waste your youth away on people who do not care.”

Stay away from me though!

“I can tell you I love you and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I can also tell you, you have hurt me to the point of no return or broke our promises so much I can’t even believe in them anymore. You have ruined my trust, stability, and self worth. You have ruined my good heart, cheerful personality, and thought of recovery. You have ruined my ever thought of getting better, or staying safe or clean. You have ruined my innocence. I can’t stop thinking about you, about us, the cool nights near the water, kissing passionately. You have ruined my favorite smells, my tea, my everyday thoughts. The smell of you lingers on me like a wildflower. I can’t forget about our little spots, your sly smiles and giggles. You have ruined happiness for me. I’m depressed about being depressed. I can’t stop thinking about the picture in my mind of you and him kissing, and its been months. I can’t stop thinking about my red eyes, and blue lips. I really don’t know how to put myself back together. I miss your warm breath on my neck. I miss your sweet lips. Fuck, I just miss you. I haven’t slept since you left. I still have the pendant you gave me, I held it so tight in my hand it left a mark for four days. I also can’t forget about your secretiveness, harsh words, and words unsaid. The way you looked at him. His pictures saved in your gallery. I just can’t forget. I’m begging the God I don’t even believe in rid to your words from my head. I’m cold in all direction, but I am lost without your warmth. I never thought loving you would hurt this bad. I wish I had never woken that day, you strayed away.”

I Dont know 😟

Don’t let go of him.
He needs you. He wants you to stay, but he doesn’t know how to say it. He’s confused. He’s afraid of waking up in the morning without your long sweet messages. He’s afraid of walking alone because he got used to hold your hand whenever you’re with him. He needs you more than anyone and anything else. He needs you for the next days of his life. He wants to feel your presence because it makes him strong and calm. He wants to hear your voice until three in the morning because it’s his favorite sound and it makes him fall asleep.
Don’t stop.
Don’t get tired of telling him how much he means to you. Don’t stop chasing him when he’s pushing you away. If he asks for space and freedom, give it to him, but don’t let go of his hand. Never go away from him. Prove to him that your love can conquer all things. Stay with him, forever.
He loves you. 
He wants you to stay. 
Don’t let him go.
He’s lost, save him.

I still wish 😟

“I’ve never been any good at math, but I know that I’m only a fraction of myself since you left. I hate that you’ve reduced me to nothing but blank stares and bloodshot eyes, but I still wish you were here to make me whole again. I wish you were here to be mine again.

I’ve never been any good at anything at all but don’t tell me I wasn’t good at being yours. I was so in love with you that I wanted to write it on every surface of your skin and every nerve ending. I wanted you to feel my love in your bloodstream even after you left.

I hope my lips still haunt you when you don’t fall asleep fast enough. I hope you look for me in every persons face you see on the sidewalk and I hope you look for my green eyes every time you see his murky brown ones. I hope you realize you made a mistake when you kiss his neck and suddenly wish you weren’t tasting her skin but mine instead.

I hope it tears you apart and I hope you call me on the phone at 3 am because you need to tell me you’re sorry but god please can we just try again.

I hope I don’t pick up.”

I made it out in the end, Happy Everafter! 😁

"get rid of her. i mean it. you will absently check your phone without meaning it, so leave it behind and go sit outside. stack rocks on each other and pretend you’re burying your love alive. leave it there. be sad, but don’t listen to adele or you’ll take her back. blast breakup music. burn your hair with bleach, cut it, whatever. revel in the fact nobody asks you “but will she like it?” who gives a shit. know when you’re overdoing it. know that it’s not a race and some people don’t heal as fast as others, maybe you’re a turtle kind of person, keep your insides soft and when something gets in that shell it fucking hurts. get rid of her. sew up the missing parts with better things. they’ll feel empty at first. that’s okay. that’s okay. empty doesn’t mean endless. it means more room for new things. you’re okay if you’re still upset a year later about things. you’re okay if when you think of her you’re on the verge of crying. just don’t think about her. delete her from your phone if not only to be able to say “sorry who dis” if she ever texts. it’s not about winning the breakup, fuck that, just come home when you can. if she burned everything of course she’s going to win, she fucked you over to begin with; so don’t worry she’s got a new boyfriend and a new job. you had to start from scratch. had to plant trees in ashes. if you’re alive that’s a good thing. she tried to kill the loving parts of you and you’re still growing. get rid of her, don’t worry that when you saw her you were in sweats and a dirty shirt. you’re a person who has been entirely hurt. you don’t have to prove you are doing better. you just have to exist without her. my mother always said being happy is the best revenge. so get rid of her. be happy. know that you had literally nothing and you still made it out in the end."

I have to accept that you left.

“My friend once told me that if I had decided to let something go, I’d have to count from ten to one.

Ten:  I want to go out for coffee alone and go to places I’ve been wanting to go to without the fear of running into you. I don’t want to avoid my life anymore because of my past.
Nine: I want to go home without being afraid that everything would feel the same as when I had left. I want to stop associating ‘home’ to such a terrible place just because you’re there.
Eight: I want to be able to say your name without feeling my chest tighten. As common as your name gets, be it a noun or verb, I want to say it straight up- not censor it, not say it backwards. I wanna say it like it never meant anything. 
Seven: I have to stop wishing you the worst. I want to stop caring about your future. I don’t want to have any thoughts about you anymore.
Six: I need to stop waiting for that day when you’d realise that you’re sorry for hurting and throwing away someone like me. That won’t change anything anyway. I’m happier and stronger because of you. I’m better because of you.
Five: I must stop blaming myself for all the shit I had to go through because you existed in my life. I have to forgive myself. 
Four: I have to stop being angry at you for not taking me seriously. For never answering my calls, for ignoring all my questions, and for leaving me to answer them on my own. I want to stop being angry at her just because she’s the reason you never came back. I want to live in peace. 
Three: I want to stop telling myself that I’m a bad person. I shouldn’t be defined by my mistakes. 
Two: I need to stop believing that I am worthless because you decided to throw me away. I will not be defined by the way you see me, or how you came to know me, or who you thought I was. You never really knew me.

One : I have to stop rewinding to that day when I first met you. I need to stop thinking of what could have been if we had never met. I have to accept what happened, I have to accept that you left.”

Just Some thoughts! 😧

No matter what time it is, where I’m at, or who I’m with, I always end up thinking about you. Your name on my tongue tastes sweet, but bitter: feeling like you belong there, but knowing that you don’t. You’ve been on my mind more times than there are minutes in a day because honestly, you’re never far from my thoughts. Because I can’t go an instance without thinking, “oh, she’d like that” or “oh, I wonder what it would be like if she was here,” and that’s how I know I’ve crossed the line. Liking someone is easy, maybe a little complicated, but admitting you like someone is a hell of a lot easier than admitting you love them.. But I don’t. It’s not possible.. Right? Because even though I don’t know you, when I’m in your presence my heart floats and I feel at ease. Because even though I don’t know you, I feel like you’re the beat in my heart that’s been missing. Because even though I don’t know you, I might be in love with you.

Verge Of Getting NUMB??

i know you love him nd who ever crossed ur mind when u read that, maybe they knw how u feel or dont. Maybe they had a chance with u bt broke it. Maybe they swept you off ur feet only to drop you suddenly without warning.Maybe they hurt you so bad yet you ach fr them during when u get lonely.Maybe you sit in ur room at 2am crying over tge txt u got a month ago, trying desprately where it went wrong. Maybe u dream of her and replay the memories over and over of the time when it was perfect, only to wake up and realize the reality shes gone. and Maybe you blame urself for falling fr her. You knew what would happen bt u did it anyway. Its hurts and Maybe one day it wont too. 😴

Heart spoked what it shouldnt ! :(

I wish i couldnt remember all our memories. All the late night talks, 3 hour long phone calls, the song suggestations. All the places we went the things we said we'd do, the moment we shared and the intimacy we had. I love it all, every pieces of it. Remembering, looking back , thinking about all the what ifs, it kills me. If only i could forget and move on. if only i could convice myself i am better off without u and stop going to the moments i was the most happy.
With u its always with you. Its just not that
you hurt me too. you werent always the best, but now i dont seem to care. Good oversees the bad. All i want i a second chance maybe third or more. but i know its bad for me. i know you are bad for me. you are like a drug and im addicted. i need a rehab but i just cant get there. Deep down i really dont want to. i dont want to let you go, i dont want to live my life without you. Even if it kills me. :(

So damn Relevent. Isnt it??

I remember when i was love sick. you block out everyone. you feel so tired that u havent slept in forever. you know she'll be in your dreams but you dont want to stay awake lying in your bed crying either. you're starving but you cant eat because you are starving for her  and every memory leaves you with a bigger hole in your heart. Even your clothes remind u of her, what u wore when u hangout. you can still smell them all over her, even though her scent havent been there for long. your online and he signs on, all you want is to scream at her to go away but you just watch the screen waiting for her to say anything but he signs off and u tear yourself apart for not saying anything to her.

I am trying not to Regret the decisions i make

Most of the time it doesnt bother me that were torn now. most of the times i dont even
think about it. but sometimes i do and then sometimes it hurts. not because i loved you so much, no.
but because you've been a part of my life for so long and because i have to learn  now to walk my way without you
being there to help me in my hard times. Even though u put a rock in my path youve still had a part of my heart
and it doesnt matter hoe big or small that part were, now its gone and theres only an emty hole left.
and i have to learn to accept that the hole and to not be afraid of it anymore. because i have been afraid of it, it meant losing a art of myself
that would never come back after already having lost so much. i have to learn to go on and to let go so i can collect the energy to grow new arts of my heart
for new peole and places and to make space for life. i've never been good at letting go or leaving but im trying. and im
tring not to be afaid of it

I was drowning but you saved me !

Okay picture this :
you've got your head underwater in a bathtub, holding your breath and every second your lungs start to burn.

(That was me trying not to fall in love with her. )

Again picture this :
At this very last second when your lungs start to feel like fireworks, you break the surface. Pulling in a gaint breath of fresh air that you so despreately needed.

(This was me falling in love with her.)

Numb?? Go away then !

What do you want frm me? I have nthg else to give. I have given u all my love, all my sadness, and happiness my innocence and even the guilt that lies within me. Is that not enough? Am i not enough? I knw u want more bt i have nthg else to offer. I am empty and i wish i had more for you cause u deserve a never ending kind of love bt that is not me. I am drained of everything. I wish i was the boy that could make u happy but darling i cant even make myself happy. I am barely breathing nd i jus want u to love me the way i do, but you are a taker and  I'm a giver, i no longer have anything to give. :'(